Friends

...that even though that I haven't seen them for a really long time, I still feel clingy toward my friends.

It was not so much a new realization or revelation as it was a confirmation of a previous predication I had made.  I realized that I am almost psyching myself out of getting pregnant.  I have been using a natural family planning method (loosely - I have just been using the temperature sign regularly) to track my cycle and determine when the best days are for us to get pregnant . . . and after too-many days, that sign has not happened yet.  I KNEW it would happen, and it makes me sad. All I want is a family, and the timing will never be better than this to start.  I also realized that I only have my husband and one other person to whom I can talk about getting pregnant (as I would like our trying to be a complete surprise to our family and most of our friends), so it is eating me up inside.

Today I realized that this month we had been following all of the recommendations correctly in terms of getting pregnant . . . but my cycle has not cooperated.  And I am saddened by this.

That I'm probably the most logical person out of my entire group of friends.

Even though my Dad and I seem to be on completely different pages most of the time, I love him very very much.

I'm slowly falling. It both excites and scares me.
Everyone says we should just figure things out,
but I'd rather wait a week until I see him in person.
He's more himself in person. And that's what I like.
I need to accept the idea of being interested in
someone else that isn't my first. It won't be easy
but I'm starting to think that maybe it's possible.

That I have too high expectations for her. She's my best friend and I know she loves me even if she doesn't always show it in ways I expect her to.

That in the year 2012...where the world is supposed to blow up or dinosaurs come back to life or something..my birthday, January 13th falls on a Friday.
...that is going to be one sweet birthday.

How useless I am.

That the closer New Years get the more depressed and annoyed I am that I'm spending it alone.... again... doing nothing but sitting on the computer doing absolutely nothing. Tomorrow will be another day in a new year and it's just going to feel like every other year that has come and gone. I feel like nothing has changed nor will it change at this moment in my life so making a resolution is pointless.

I realize that I'm really, really, REALLY looking forward to school to start in January.

Today I realized that nerdy boys are my favorite. Some of the nicest, kindest, and most fun-loving guys I have ever met have also been the dorkiest guys I have ever met.

I can love you even if I don't like you.

Karma is really a bitch to people who deserve it.

Today I realized just how much I want a baby.  On Facebook today I saw the "announcement" that one of the girls I went to grad school with is pregnant - the first to have a baby out of our little cohort.  I know it's selfish to think about, being "first" and all, but I realized that I feel like people don't really care if I'm not.  In my experience (dating, engagement, wedding, buying a house...) people don't much care if you're second or fifth or tenth.  I realized that I want a baby because family is so important to me, and I'm afraid that people (i.e., my mother) will think I want one just for attention.  I realized I need to change my priorities slightly, although my priorities are in line.  I need to change how I express them, methinks.

I also again realized how frustrated I am with my weight, as that is likely part of the difficulties we have been having.  I realized how scared I am to find a new doctor and go to them, as I don't want to be told (again!) that I need to lose weight or that I have poly-cystic ovaries, making conception difficult.  I realized how jealous I am of people for whom everything just happens, or everything is easy.  For me NOTHING has been easy, and a baby is one thing that I wish could be easy.

I'm so frustrated, and I wish I had more people I could talk to than my husband or my one friend.  I wish I could make friends more easily, and I realized how much better life would be if I could.